


If I Lose Myself Tonight

by therearenousernameleft



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bellarke is very minor - Freeform, F/M, Kabby if you squint and even then it's angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Prompt as old as time, zaven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-29 19:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15080195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therearenousernameleft/pseuds/therearenousernameleft
Summary: 5 times Shaw and Raven almost kissed, and the one time they did.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. Hope you enjoy this :)))  
> I own nothing except my mistakes (probably too many of those). All the characters belong to the respective creators.

**If I Lose Myself Tonight**

****1** **

Her head hurts. She had been crying all night. She was pretty sure her eyes were swollen. Her throat felt dry. She didn't think she had any more tears left. But she thought about Abby, and she felt her eyes welling up again. She cursed herself. Why was she crying? Abby wasn't her mother. What she did shouldn't hurt this much. Why did it? Why? She knew these questions were pointless because she knew why. Abby had been the closest thing to a mother she had. She never thought Abby would do this to her, but she did. She shouldn't have.

_Trust, it only brings disappointment and heartache._

But in spite of everything she wanted to help her because she knew the real Abby and this, this wasn't her. It was just a broken person. Just a shadow, a distorted shadow of the person that Abby used to be. Pain, what couldn't it make a person do. Raven knew pain, and she had resisted it, why couldn't Abby? Why couldn't Abby see that she needed help? She knew Kane would have tried. He would do anything for Abby. As she started thinking about those things again, she felt the phantom pain in her neck because of what Abby did.

She closed her eyes tighter, trying to forget what happened. Maybe if she just stopped thinking about it then maybe, maybe she could forgive her. She felt her fingers graze the skin above her collar and she jerked down her hand. Her left hand was dangling down the bed when she felt the fingers that were entwined with hers. She turned suddenly seeing Shaw sitting beside her bed, leaning on the bed and sleeping. His right hand was entwined with her left.

Raven looked at their joined hands and she felt...calm. She felt lighter. She remembered everything she had said to Shaw last night. She remembered grabbing his hand before he could leave. She remembered his hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her. His touch was soothing, she looked at their joined hands, even when he wasn't trying to comfort her.

But he was, wasn't he? This is why he was here, beside her bed, instead of being on his own. Because he didn't want to leave her when she was vulnerable. She felt another wave of emotion hit her. How long has it been since she was this open with anyone. She didn't like people knowing those things about her, and yet here she was telling him. She felt his fingers tightening around hers, and she turned to look at him. His one eye was still swollen, not like it was two days ago, she felt guilt trying to weave its way into her.

He was looking at her, his gaze softer. Not like when he stepped in front of her and glared at Vinson. Not hard and angry like when he asked her if she had been hurt. Concern was there those times too, but this time there was something else.

"You okay?" He asked softly. It was still dark outside, and almost everyone was asleep.

She nodded. She didn't trust her voice. She didn't trust it won't crack again. She didn't want to cry anymore.

He squeezed her hand again before releasing it. She wanted to protest. She felt a certain degree of calmness leave her as his warm hand separated from her.

He said nothing, just looked at her intently. Trying to see if she was really okay. She gave him a small smile, she didn't think she could manage one, but she did.

He still didn't look away and all she wanted at that moment was to move closer to him. That thought startled her. She looked away, trying to get her emotions under control.

He cleared his throat. "I should go."

She didn't know what she wanted. She didn't know why she wanted to be closer to him. Maybe it was all the things she told him last night, maybe it was because he understood, or maybe just because he was here. She didn't know exactly what, but all she did know was that she didn't want to be alone. Just a few more hours. Just till the sun was up.  

Just like last night before he could leave she grabbed his hand. He looked at her hand in his then back at her.

"Stay." She whispered. "Please."

He nodded, moving to take the position that he was in before, sitting beside her bed, near her pillow. She turned to face him.

"Thank you." She said, and she meant it. She still felt like shit, but a bit lighter.

He nodded again, turning to look at her. His eyes searching her face for something.

"You didn't answer me." He said. She frowned and he elaborated. "When I asked if he hurt you?"

"No." Her hand automatically went to the collar. "He didn't."

His eyes dropped to her collar, and she saw a sudden flash of anger on his face, just like the day when she had asked him how can he be loyal to those who collar people like an animal.

"Was it Diyoza?" He whispered furiously. He was clenching his fists so tight that his knuckles turned white.

She hesitated then placed her hand on his, trying to calm him. He froze. She almost pulled her hand back thinking that she had done something wrong but then his grip relaxed, and so did he.

"No." She said. "It was-" she could feel herself choking up again, but she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. She wasn't going to cry anymore. "-it was someone I trusted."

"The Doctor." He said understanding dawning in his eyes.

She didn't ask him how he knew. Maybe he deduced. Maybe she said her name when she was telling him all those things.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I'm sorry for everything." He added closing his eyes.

"This is isn't your fault." She said making small circles with her thumb on the back of this hand.

"But It is. Isn’t it." Shaw looked tired. She was too.

"It's the circumstances, not the people," she whispered. Then she thought about McCreary and Vinson. "Okay, maybe some people." She added wryly.

He smiled, reluctantly, at her, and she smiled back. She didn't think she would be able to smile, but she did.

She didn't know how or when it happened, but he was closer. Her breath hitched. Did she really want to do this? She barely knew him, and yet somehow he became one of the closest people to her here. Her eyes dropped to his lips, then back to his eyes.

There was a loud clang, and someone yelled. "Son of a fucking bitch."

They jerked back to reality as people around them woke up with a start. She looked up and saw Echo looking at them weirdly. She suddenly remembered what she had said to her. She needed to tell Echo that she changed her mind. There has to be another way. They will find it. She will find it.

She looked back at Shaw and saw him getting up on his feet. He wasn't looking at her, his face giving away nothing.

"I should go." He said looking at the door.

This time she didn't stop him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think?  
> I have been thinking about writing a Zaven fic ever since they first met, eh who am I kidding ever since Shaw said 'Real Cute'. This is my first The 100 fic, so I hope It's okay.  
> Title: If I Lose Myself - One Republic  
> Again, I'm sorry for all my mistakes. Thank you so much for reading <3 <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your lovely comments and Kudos guys <3  
> I hope you like this chapter too <3

**2**

"Why do you want to back out now?" Echo whispered furiously. "Last night you were okay with it. What changed?" She added, narrowing her eyes.

Raven didn't look away. "Nothing changed. I simply remembered how useful he is, and in case you forgot, he is our only ally here."

"And in case you forgot, he is now a prisoner like the rest of us. He cannot supply us inside information. He cannot help us anymore." Echo retorted.

"He is the only pilot they've got. And he is the only person here who actually knows these people." Raven snapped back.

Echo pursued her lips. "Did something happen last night? Is that why you changed your mind?"

Raven looked at her angrily. Her temper was already reaching its breaking point, and comments like these were not at all helpful.

"I mean, it's just when I woke up you two looked real close and-"

Raven raised her hand. She would not listen to this anymore. "I don't just ask you not kill people because 'something happened', sometimes it's because it is the right thing to do. He has been nothing but helpful to us, and how did we repay the favor? By telling Diyoza what he did. He is getting tortured every day because of that for the love of God!" Echo opened her mouth, but she silenced her with a look. "And before you say it again, nothing happened. We were only talking, nothing else."

Echo didn't look like she believed her, but Echo didn't try to convince her that they should kill him either.

She was still trying to come up with plans, alternate plans which would help them take down Diyoza. She didn't want to admit it to Echo, but something did happen last night, at least something did change, it may have been a small moment only, but it did. She didn't know how she felt about that.

She was never afraid of Shaw, even when she met him for the first time. It would sound stupid, trusting someone, to some extent, when you have met them for the first time, especially given the things they've been through these past years, there was just something about him that made her feel like she could trust him.

And then there was last night or this morning, which now seemed like it had been a long time ago. He had understood. He knew what it was like, and still, he never tried to give her false hope. He simply listened. It had been so long since someone did that, just listened to her instead of telling her that everything will be okay. She could still feel the ghost of his touch on her shoulder and hands when he had comforted her.

"You shouldn't have done it, Shaw." Someone said sweetly followed by a grunt like someone had been punched in the stomach.

She turned towards the door and saw one person holding Shaw back and two other taking turns to hit him.

"Was it really worth it?" The person who punched Shaw sneered. "Was she?" He asked before punching him again.

Shaw's old wounds were not even healed yet. These were the men he had been with. How can they do this to him?

_And how are you better?  You are the reason he is in this position._

It was true. It was her fault. But she had to. It was their only chance.

"I have to say I'm enjoying this. You always acted so high and mighty." The person said as he punched Shaw in the face.

She could not watch this anymore. She was going to say something. She was going to put an end to this or whatever she can do. She felt a hand on her arm holding her tightly in place. She turned and saw that it was Echo.

"Let me go," Raven said angrily, trying to jerk her hand out of Echo's grip.

There was another grunt.

"You cannot interfere." Echo said calmly.

She glared at her. "Yes, I can.”

She tried to loosen Echo’s grip on her arm, but Echo’s hold tightened. "No, if you interfere they will hurt you."

She felt the tears prick her eyes, but she will not cry, crying makes one feel better, and she did not want to feel better. This was her fault. "This is our fault. He has to suffer all this because of us."

Echo said nothing just tightened he hold. There was a choking sound, and she turned to see that Shaw was on the ground as they turned on the electrocution function of the collar.

She felt Echo's hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to watch it, Raven. Turn around."

She shook her head and didn't look away from him. Her heart hadn't felt this heavy in a long time.

"Yes, I do."

*

He was limping as he walked down towards his cot. His left eye, which was finally showing signs of healing, was inflamed once again. His lower lip was split. And the way that he was walking he might have cracked ribs too.

There was a small cloth, a bowl of water below his bed. He might have placed it there in the morning knowing what was to come. Her chest tightened as guilt washed over her once more.

He did not spare her a single glance. Why should he? It was because of her that he was in this condition. He sat down on his bed and groaned. From where she was standing it looked like it hurt him even to take a breath. After a moment of holding himself straight he tried to bend down to pick up the bowl of water but couldn't. He held his side in pain. She couldn't do anything then. She was sure as hell going to do something now. With determination, she moved towards him.

When she stood in front of him, he showed no indication that he had noticed her. He continued to look towards the wall. She didn't wait for him to say something before sitting beside him and picking up the bowl.

"Stop." He said through gritted teeth.

"Stop what?" She asked ignoring his gaze on her. She soaked the cloth in water then wrung it to remove the excess water.

She raised her hand to wipe the blood from his face when he caught her hand.

"What do you think you are doing?" He said slowly.

"Hacking." She tried to force lightness into her voice. "What do you think?"

He didn't let go of her hand.

"Will you just let me." She said nodding towards his injuries.

"Why do you care?" He asked, and there was only a slight hint of bitterness in his words.

"I don't." She lied.

His expressions didn't change, but his grip did loosen.

"You are hurt, Shaw, and you are obviously having trouble doing it, so please, will you just let me." She said calmly.

He didn't say anything, he just stoically sat there staring at the wall. She sighed then as gently as possible wiped the blood from his brow. He flinched slightly, but he didn't move away, neither did he try to stop her.

She kept her touch as gentle as possible knowing how much this must be hurting him.

She once again soaked the cloth cleaning it as much as she could before moving it to his cheek.

"Could you turn towards me slightly? I have to work on the other side too." She said quietly.

Once again, he didn't give her any sign that he had heard her. She sighed. Her leg was hurting, but if he wouldn't move his head, then she would have to get up and go to his other side. She placed a hand on her leg and was about to stand up when she felt his hand on hers. She looked at him and saw him turned towards her, but he was still not looking at her.

She started working on the other side of his face. Flicking glances at him to see if she was hurting him, she was trying to keep her hand as gentle as possible.

It wasn't until she reached his lips that he looked at her. She was working her way up from his chin. He continued to watch her, a little uncertain. His gaze never wavering from her.

She soaked the cloth once again cleaning it the best she could before moving it to his lips. Before the cloth could touch him, he grabbed her hand.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked, his eyes searching her face.

She wanted to tell him that it was because he helped her save her friend, because he was kind to her, because he listened to her, because he was still trying to help her even though he was in this position because of her but she knew these were not the complete reasons. Knowing something was missing. Something crucial.

"I don't know." She answered honestly.

She didn't look away. She wanted him to see the truth in her eyes. She wanted him to understand.

Something in his gaze shifted, but his hold on her hand remained the same. She could pull her hand away anytime she wanted to, but she didn't. There was something unspoken going on between them. What? She didn't know. Something she was too afraid to name.

She didn't know who moved closer, could be him, could be her, could be both of them, but once again she was few inches apart from him. The air between them felt charged. She didn't know what she wanted, but she did know that she wanted to be closer.

"Wait till you see the beating we gave him today." Someone said.

"Oh, I will," McCreary said.

Shaw looked away. He was looking towards the door, and then back at her, there was a hint of panic in his eyes.

"You need to go back to your bed now." He said hurriedly taking the cloth from her hand.

She didn't object.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think?  
> I will try my best to update this every week.  
> I really hope you liked it. Again I'm sorry for all my mistakes. Thank you so much for reading <3 <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the amazing comments and Kudos <3 You guys are so awesome!!  
> I hope you like this chapter too <3

**3**

She was cleaning his wounds again. It had become a sort of a ritual for them, a ritual which she desperately wanted to end. The beatings were getting worse with every passing week. His wounds were not even half-way healed when they would come again. It bothered her that he never said anything. He never asked them to stop. Why didn't he? One time they stopped after he had lost consciousness. Echo had to hold her down because she would have tried to stop them, but she never did. She knew Echo was just looking out for her and her interfering would have only made things worse for both of them. She hated feeling helpless. So as usual, she did the only thing she could. She tried, as best she could, to clean his wounds and after the first time, he never objected again.

She had asked Kane if he could get her some medicine or ointment and he had. She didn't know if Kane had asked Abby himself, judging by the heartbreaking look he got in eyes, she would say no. But he did get her both, some painkillers and few ointments, for cuts and bruises.

They never talked much. He never looked at her, even when she asked him to face her. He would just stare at some place above her shoulder but would never look at her, though she could swear that sometimes she felt his gaze on her when she wasn't looking. Something changed between them that night, she knew it. She felt a weird pull towards him, like iron in a magnetic field. Sometimes she thought he felt it too. Sometimes she thought he didn't.

"Thank you," Shaw said softly, breaking her out of her thoughts.

She was surprised. This was the first time he had said anything to her in days. This was the first time that he had thanked her.

"For what?" She replied, applying the ointment on the wound above his brow.

He winced slightly as the ointment touched his wound, but didn't reply.

*

"Why do you do it?" Echo asked curiously.

"Why do I do what?" She replied shortly. She knew where Echo was going with this and she absolutely did not want to talk about it. Not with Echo.

"Clean his wounds." Echo said, ignoring her glare.

"Because it's our fault." She answered, trying to keep the anger out of her voice, but knew it seeped through because she saw Echo’s expression change. It was subtle, but it was enough that she noticed.

Echo stared at her for a long moment, and she wanted to go somewhere else. She didn’t care where just anywhere where she could avoid this conversation. How can she answer the questions which she herself did not know the answers to.

"It wasn't just our fault though." Before she could protest Echo hurriedly continued, "I know what you're going to say. You know it was our only chance."

She did know, and that was what was bothering her. If it was anyone but Shaw she would never have hesitated.

"I know." She agreed in a small voice.

Echo gave her one more searching look. "You don't have to do this out of guilt, you know. I don't know why, but I don't think he blames you."

"I'm not doing it out of guilt." She didn't know why she said that, but it was the truth.

*

His wounds seemed fewer as compared to what he had gotten the last time. It wasn't much, but it was something. Maybe they'll finally stop one day.

"Not many new wounds. That's good." She said quietly.

"Still hurts." He muttered.

_Did he just crack a joke?_

She looked at him in surprise. She wasn't expecting a reply. He was staring at the entrance like he was waiting for someone.

"Your eye is healing nicely." She continued applying some ointment on the upper lid.

"Hmm."

"Why did they stop?" She asked curiously. "Not that I'm not happy-"

"Your friend said something to Diyoza, and Diyoza called everyone for a meeting." He answered, his eyes finally settling on her.

"I didn't know." She said honestly.

Why did she do it? She knew Echo had no soft spot for him. Then why? A small part wanted to believe that it was because of her, but she knew that Echo must have something planned, and her plan simply coincided with it.

"I guessed." He said nonchalantly, but something in his eyes shifted. She didn't know when her hands shifted from his eyes to his cheek. She didn't know when her fingers started to caress his cheek. He didn't stop her and she, with a surprise, realized that she didn't want to. The air between them felt electric. Her body seemed incredibly aware of his gaze on her. He didn't touch her, and she wanted him to. She wanted to know if this was real. That she wasn't the only one who was feeling it. It wasn't until he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, this was when she noticed that her thumb was almost at the corner of his lips.

She was about to pull her hand back when he opened his eyes, any doubt she had, that she was the only who was feeling this connection, vanished. His gaze was darker, slightly wilder. Her breath hitched. Her heart was beating wildly against her chest. She moved forward to close the distance between them.

"So this is what you have been doing here, and here I thought you would be bored." McCreary's smug voice came, and both of them jumped apart.  

Raven looked at Shaw, who was looking at McCreary, there was a dangerous look in his eyes. As discreetly as she could, she hid the medicines under the mattress because she knew if McCreary saw he would take them and got up. With one last glance at Shaw, who was still glaring at McCreary in pure hatred, she decided to go back to her bed when McCreary's stopped her by grabbing her elbow.

"I thought you were an engineer. I never knew you liked playing nurse." McCreary sneered. She looked at his hands on her arm, and she wanted to throw up or punch him. Maybe both.

She was determined to not look at Shaw. Instead, she looked up at McCreary, giving him a look filled with loathing and disgust.

"Let go of me." She bit out as she tried to pull her arm out of his grasp.

"You know, I like-"

"Let her go." Shaw cut him off mid-sentence, his voice was trembling with barely contained anger.

McCreary's eyes widened, and an even more twisted smile took over his lips as his hold on her arm tightened. She knew it was going to leave a bruise. "I don't want to."

She wanted to yell at Shaw that she can handle herself, that he shouldn't get in the middle of this because she knew what McCreary was trying to do. She would not let him get hurt.

Shaw got up and moved in front of them. She only thought that she had seen Shaw angry but this, this was something else. It was pure hatred, mixed with rage. "I. Said. Take. Your. Hands. Off. Her."

McCreary let out an exaggerated chuckle then pushed her towards Shaw. She stumbled. Shaw reached out and steadied her. His hold gentle and yet almost possessive, then he moved so that he was standing between her and McCreary. He looked at her, to see if she was okay, then looked back at McCreary anger clouding his features. He took a step forward towards McCreary, but she placed her hand on his arm gently. She will not let him get hurt. Shaw looked at her hand on his arm then back at her.

McCreary let out another chuckle, and she dropped her hand.

"I got what I wanted. See you tomorrow, Shaw. It's going to be fun." McCreary said giddily.

They saw him leave. After a moment, he turned to look at her. She could see that he was still angry, but he still kept his voice as gentle as he could.

“Did he hurt you?"

She shook her head and tried to give him a weak smile but couldn't. She was concerned for him, What was McCreary going to do now.

“Hey, don’t worry. He is an asshole.” He said softly. “You should get some rest.”

She didn't know what to say, so she simply nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think?  
> I really hope you liked it. Again I'm sorry for all my mistakes. Thank you so much for reading <3 <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your beautiful comments and Kudos <3 <3  
> It means so much to me <3   
> I hope you like this chapter too <3

****4** **

She won't lie that she wasn't nervous because she was. It has been a few days since Shaw told McCreary to let her go and nothing has happened since then. Every single time someone entered the room, she thought it was McCreary and his goons. It wasn't like she was not happy that no one is hurting him anymore, she was. But there was this continuous nagging at the back of her mind that they were planning something bigger. She mentally shook herself.

_No, they are planning nothing._

Maybe they finally caught a break. Maybe luck was finally on their side.

She was deep in her thoughts when she heard someone calling her name. The voice was familiar.

"Raven." Her eyes widened, her heart thumping hard as she got up hurriedly. She hadn't heard this voice in person in six years.

She turned and saw the smiling face of Clarke Griffin. Her heart burst with happiness as she made her way towards Clarke. They met halfway and hugged each other like- like they haven't in years, like they thought the other was dead. Clarke was the reason they were alive. She didn't know when she started crying. When she pulled back, she saw that tears were streaming down Clarke’s face too. 

"Thank-" she started, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"You already thanked me, Raven," Clarke said with a small chuckle.

"I did." She smiled, her heart feeling lighter than it had in a long time. "I've missed you so much."

"Me too, Raven." Clarke gave her a watery smile and squeezed her hand. "Me too."

"Bellamy!" Echo's voice came through making them all turn, except Clarke. She stood still, her shoulder stiffened a bit like she was preparing what was about to come next.

Echo walked into Bellamy's embrace and kissed him. Raven looked back at Clarke, who was staring at nothing in particular. She squeezed Clarke’s hand. She knew how that felt.

"We thought you were dead," Raven said quietly.

Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know. It's nothing. I don't know why-"

"You don't have to explain, Clarke. I know. I understand."

Bellamy was watching them. Clarke, she corrected herself, he was watching Clarke. It made her want to groan in frustration. Why were they always stuck in situations like these? It was as if the universe made sure that every time they took a step forward, they had to take two back.

"Shaw?" Clarke's voice broke her out of her thoughts. She frowned, how did she know him? __Oh__ , she remembered suddenly, Clarke was captured by them too. She wanted to know how Clarke knew his name. Did he torture her? No, he wouldn't do that. He wasn't built like that. He saved people. Helped them, like he had helped Murphy and her.

Shaw was walking towards his bed when he stopped after hearing Clarke’s voice and walked back to where they were standing. He didn't look at her, and as much as she didn't want to admit it, it hurt. Why did it hurt? There was nothing between them. They were just-just- what were they? They were not friends. They were definitely not more than friends. They were just something.

"Still think about your Harley?" Clarke said smiling.

“Always.” He replied.

To her surprise, he smiled. And she realized that she had never seen him smile before. It transformed his face, not like he wasn't good looking before. He was. Even when she didn't know who he was, she had noticed that he was a good-looking man but smiling Shaw was beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Raven wasn't sure what Clarke and Shaw were talking about because she was still looking at him. It wasn't until Clarke touched her arm that she realized that she had been staring.

Shaw was looking at her, concerned. "Are you okay?"

She flushed. She couldn't believe that she was actually staring. "Yeah, ust thinking about something."

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Clarke observing them in amusement.

He gave her another concerned look before telling them he had something to do and left. She glanced at Clarke, who was watching her with a knowing look in her eyes.

"Who is he?" Bellamy's asked before Clarke could say anything.

"Raven's pilot." Echo said nonchalantly.

*

"That's it? Diyoza agreed to share the valley?" Raven asked frowning.

Bellamy and Clarke told them about their deal with Diyoza. She was confused and a little suspicious. Why would Diyoza agree so readily?

"Yes. Kane has been talking with her, and we have tried our best to talk some sense into Octavia, let's see what happens." Bellamy sighed.

"I just want this to end," Clarke said, rubbing her eyes. "I'm so tired of all this fighting."

Clarke got up to, walked to the window and looked outside.

She saw Bellamy's gaze following Clarke’s every movement, and Echo noticed it too. After a moment, when Bellamy didn't look away from Clarke Echo cleared her throat.

"Didn't you say Diyoza agreed to remove our collars." Echo said calmly giving no indication whatsoever that she had noticed anything.

Her hands, on their own accord, reached to touch the skin above her neck. "I can't say that I am going to miss it." She said dryly.

Echo chuckled. "Neither will I."

*

Diyoza personally came to ensure that the collar was removed. Kane was with her, if anything his eyes seemed sadder and she knew that Abby was still taking those pills. She looked at Clarke, who smiled at her and she guessed that Clarke still didn't know about Abby's addiction. She didn't want Clarke to know because she knew how much it was going to hurt her, at the same time, she wanted Clarke to know because she was Abby’s daughter and if anyone could help Abby it would be Clarke.

"Come on. You are the only one left." Someone said.

She frowned, turning to look at Shaw who was sitting on his bed, a book in his hands, but still collared.

"You mean two of us." She corrected.

"No, Raven," Diyoza said. "He meant one."

Understanding dawned on her. They were going to leave him collared. She would never let that happen. It wasn't his fault.

"No." She said angrily.

"What do you mean no?" Whoever Diyoza brought to unfasten the collar asked.

"I meant either you remove both our collars or I don't want mine removed either." She glared at him.

"Raven." Bellamy, Clarke, Kane and Echo said in unison.

Diyoza's lips twisted in a smile. "You know I don't have any problem with that."

"We had a deal." Bellamy and Clarke said.

Diyoza opened her mouth to say something when she felt a hand on her arm. She turned to tell Echo that she wasn't going to change her mind, but stopped, when she noticed that it was Shaw.

"Don't." She said before he could say anything.

"You don't have to do this." He said softly. "You shouldn't do this."

"Why?"

"Because I don't deserve it." He said so quietly that she almost missed it.

She didn't know what to say, so she grabbed his hand and squeezed it. His eyes snapped to her, and for a moment she forgot how to breathe, forgot that they were surrounded by people.

"Remove both their collars," Diyoza announced finally. "I know he won't leave. I'm right, aren't I, Shaw?"

She didn't wait for him to answer and left the room. Shaw closed his eyes, slight panic clouding his features. She didn't understand what Diyoza meant by that, but judging by his reaction, he definitely did.

*

Bellamy and Clarke had left with Kane a few minutes ago, Echo following them a few moments later. She was sitting on her bed. As soon as the collar was removed and the cool air had touched the chafed skin of her neck, she had hissed in pain. She had been wearing that godforsaken thing longer than anyone. And it showed. Bellamy, Clarke, and Kane had winced when they saw her neck, angry look crossing their faces. She had seen the guilt and anger in Shaw's eyes. She wanted to tell him that it was nothing, but she knew it was a lie and he knew that too.

It hurt every time the hair at the back of her neck brushed against it, every time she felt a soft breeze on her neck, every time she unintentionally touched it.

She turned when she felt the bed dip. Shaw was sitting beside her holding a bowl of water, a clean cloth and all the medicines and ointments she used to clean his wounds.

"That isn't necessa-" she started.

"Yes, it is." His gaze didn't waver from her neck, she could see anger, regret, and most of all guilt in his eyes, so she didn't stop him. She knew how that felt, isn't that why she used to clean his wounds too? Somewhere in the back of her mind a small voice said that it wasn't the only reason.

She hissed in pain as the cool cloth touched her neck, even though his hands were gentle.

"I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fa-"

"Yes, it was." He sounded so angry with himself. She didn't know what she could say that would erase that look from his face.

They sat there in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, the air between them felt electric. He gently tilted her face up to apply the ointment. The first brush of his fingers against never neck made her shiver. She felt the goosebumps rising all over her body. Her heart was beating wildly, and she wondered if his heart was beating as hard as hers.

"Cold?" He asked, his voice low.

If anything that made her feel warm. Every inch of her skin that he touched felt heated.

"No." She breathed out.

He nodded as he moved to sit behind her to apply the ointment on the chafed skin on the back her neck. She tried to calm herself. She tried to tell herself that she did this too when he was injured. It didn't make her feel like this then.

_Liar._

She felt close to him then, she agreed, but this, this something felt even more intimate. She gulped when he moved her hair out of the way.

"I'm sorry." He apologized again his voice quieter. His fingers brushed against the nape of her neck, and she felt another shiver run down her back.

"You don't have to apologize." She whispered.

He didn't reply, just continued applying the ointment. As his fingers continued to move across her neck, she had to remind herself to breathe.

His fingers were no longer on her neck, but he didn't move, and neither did she. She could feel his breath on her neck, could still feel the ghost of his touch on her skin. She could feel the heat radiating off of him, but she still shivered.

She couldn't stop herself from turning her head slightly to look at him. Their eyes met, and the air around them crackled as they continued to look at each other. He was close, closer than he has ever been. Her eyes dropped to his lips, when she looked back up he was looking at her with so much intensity that she felt her stomach clench with anticipation.

She grazed the back of his hand lightly with her fingers. He stilled for a moment, but before she could drag her hand away, he turned his hand and intertwined their fingers. He leaned forward so did she. Their lips were almost a breath apart, when they heard a yelp and someone falling with a thump and a loud oof.

They jumped apart. She groaned internally. She sneaked a glance at him and knew he did too.

She turned towards the sound and saw Bellamy on the floor, Clarke above him. Both of them frozen, looking at each other. His hands around her waist, her hands were on his chest.

They waited for Bellamy, and Clarke to get up. Shaw cleared his throat, when after a while they didn’t.

It was as if the spell was broken and Clarke remembered where she was, and who she was on, she got up, her face red.

"Sorry, Raven. I didn't mean to. I was just leaving when I ran into-" Clarke tried to explain, blushing an even deeper shade of red. Clarke didn't look at Bellamy as she hurried out.

Bellamy's ears were red too. He scratched the side of his head.

"Yeah, what she said." He followed Clarke.

They sat there in silence for a moment. Not looking at each other, but at the door where Bellamy and Clarke were, a few moments back.

"I should go." He said, breaking the silence, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

She nodded. With one last look at her, he left. She wanted to stop him, but didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think? I really hope you liked it. Again I'm sorry for all my mistakes. Thank you so much for reading <3 <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the love and support guys <3   
> I hope you like this chapter too <3

****5** **

They have been meeting with Diyoza continuously to settle for the place where they were going to live in the valley. And everyday one person was there is to ruin it. McCreary. Even thinking about him left a bitter taste in her mouth. Diyoza had told them not to bother Shaw anymore, and almost everyone left him alone except that asshole.

"McCreary is planning something. I just need to know what." Diyoza sighed.

"I can find out," Murphy said confidently. Murphy and Emori had joined them a few days back, and Bellamy and Clarke went back to try to talk to Octavia. She just hoped that Octavia understood that this was what was best for their people.

"I bet you can." She said wryly.

Murphy winked at her, making her laugh. Her eyes went to Shaw, who was looking at them with something very close to jealousy. Her smile faltered, she didn't know why, but she wanted to tell him that Murphy was just her friend. She opened her mouth, then closed it. She was not going to do this here, and besides he should have seen Murphy and Emori together, but the way he looked away with his jaw clenched seemed to disagree with her line of thought. In between all this a small, okay, not that small, part of her mind was definitely pleased, it meant that whatever she was feeling wasn't one-sided.

"Could you?" Diyoza said, raising her brows at Murphy, then looked curiously at Kane. "Could he?"

"Yes." Kane agreed, she thought she saw a hint of a smile on his lips.

*

She was waiting for someone to tell her what was going on. She was tired of waiting to find out if they were finally going to have a place of their own, so she got up to go find out for herself, when Shaw entered the room, and he looked scared. His eyes were searching the room for something. When his gaze finally landed on her, he stilled. Relief washed over his features. She smiled at him, making him snap out of whatever he was thinking.

He hurriedly made his way to her.

"So what-" Before she could finish her sentence, he grabbed her hand and pulled her up.

"What are you doing?" She asked, her voice rising an octave, her body reacting to his touch.

His demeanor was guarded. He kept looking back towards the door like he was expecting someone to burst through any moment. "Saving our lives." He looked over her shoulder towards the window, which was boarded. Then back at the entrance, with a resigned sigh, he tugged at her hand. "Let's go."

"Are you going to-" she started asking as she followed Shaw.

"Later." Then abruptly stopped, turned to look at her. His face blank. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes." She answered. She didn't need to think about that. She had trusted him for a long time now.

The blank look disappeared, giving way to something more...something that made her stomach do flips, something that made her skin tingle. Then, as if he suddenly remembered why he was here he once again turned, tugging at her hand, he started moving towards the door.

She heard some kind of commotion going on outside, and it did not sound good.

"It's McCreary, isn't it?" She said suddenly, everything finally falling into place. "They are planning to take over."

He nodded. "We need to get away from here."

"But my friends?"

"They will be fine," Shaw said quickly, but sincerely.

She had so many questions, but she knew it wasn't the time. She quietly followed him. She saw a two group facing each other.

"We need a distraction if we ever plan to get away unnoticed." She murmured, hiding behind the door, Shaw beside her.

"Yes, we do." He didn't sound concerned. He shrugged. "Your friend," he emphasized friend a little more than it was necessary, "said he would. Why didn't he?" He actually sounded worried.

She squeezed his hand, noticing the slight stiffening of his shoulders. "If anyone could create a distraction, it would be Murphy."

He nodded but didn't reply. She opened her mouth to tell him that Murphy was her friend when a pained shout rang through the chaos. Then it was as if everything was moving at a maddening pace. He tugged her hand and they ran towards the woods, shouts following them.

Her leg was hurting, and she didn't know how much longer she could run. She didn't want to slow him down, knew he was the one they were looking for. She abruptly let go of his hand, when a sudden sharp jolt of pain shot through her leg.

"I can't. I cannot run anymore" She said panting, she could still hear the shouts, knew they weren't far behind. "They are looking for you. You should-"

Before she could finish he placed his one arm under her knee, other behind her back, and picked her up. She wanted to yell at him, and yet her arms went around his neck. She wanted to tell him to put her down, and yet she knew he would never leave her. So she swallowed her frustration. She will yell at him later.

The sounds were getting closer. She closed her eyes, praying to every God who was listening. Shaw placed her back on the ground. He grabbed her hand again, before she could say anything and tugged her to the abrupt end of the land and pointed towards the small opening under the roots of a huge tree, well below the normal elevation of the ground. She nodded, understanding. She lowered herself carefully. He followed.

There was barely enough room for them both to fit, but they did. She could feel the tension vibrating off him.

"It's going-" He placed her hand on his lips, her eyes widened. He placed a finger to his lips and pointed up. He removed his hand, and she heard the shouts.

"Where did they go?" Someone shouted. "I saw them a few minutes ago."

"Maybe they separated." Someone else offered.

"No, he will not leave her. You three go that way, and we'll search the rest." The first man ordered.

They sat there quietly, heartbeats racing. Finally, when she couldn't hear their footsteps, and voice anymore she finally closed her eyes and leaned back with a sigh.  

"Do not do that again." She said through clenched teeth, eyes still closed.

"What?" He said feigning ignorance.

"You should have left me." She said, turning towards him, whispering furiously. "You were the one they wanted."

"And what do you think they would have done to you?" He whispered angrily, turning as much as he could to face her.  

"I would have been fine." She hissed.

"No, you would not." He snapped. "In case you haven't noticed those are not the best of people and for some reason, they know that I will do anything for-" he abruptly stopped and looked away, his nostrils flaring.

"You would do anything for what?" She asked quietly, her heart beating unsteadily.

He didn't reply instead started to get up. She grabbed his sleeve and pulled him down. He still didn't look at her. She wanted to hear him say it. Needed to hear him say it.

"Tell me." Her voice barely over a whisper. "Please."

She heard him take a shuddering breath. When he once again turned to face her, she was taken aback by the sheer intensity of his gaze.

"You." He murmured. "I would do anything for you."

Her heart stuttered. The knots in her stomach loosened. She felt...she felt calm. Her hand reached up to cup one side of his face. He leaned into her touch but didn't look away. Her thumb was gently caressing his cheeks. She finally knew how she felt. It wasn't a sudden realization, deep down she had known all along, but for some reason, she was fighting it. But she wasn't anymore.  His eyes dropped to her lips, as her fingers were lightly stroking the corner of his.

She leaned forward, the air between them thick with anticipation. She nervously licked her lips, drawing a low sound from him. He moved forward.

Before their lips could meet the sound of a single gunshot rang through the air. They jerked back. He was about to move out when she heard the footsteps approaching them. Once again, she grabbed his sleeve and pulled him down. He covered her hand with his trying to comfort her, trying to tell her that everything will work out.

The footsteps were growing closer. She shifted closer to him. He took out a gun from his ankle holster. Suddenly someone jumped in front of them.

"Hey, guys," Murphy said smiling.

She let out the breath that she had been holding, then laughed. Murphy chuckled and extended his hand to help them. Shaw looked at it for a moment then reluctantly took it.

"What happened?" Shaw asked looking back at the settlement.

"Diyoza killed McCreary and most of his followers. Some converted knowing they lost." Murphy explained as he pulled her up.

"And the people who were following us?" She asked.

"Just shot the last one," Murphy said nodding. "Thank you." He turned to Shaw. "For keeping her safe."

Shaw's face was once again blank, but he nodded. Murphy looked between them, an amused smile on his lips.

"We should head back," Murphy said.

When Murphy was a few feet in front of them she said quietly, "He is my friend."

Shaw stopped. "I know."

"We have been through a lot together." She continued. He nodded but didn't look at her. "But that's it. We are friends. Just friends."

He finally looked at her, his gaze softer. After a moment, he held out his hand. She took it with a small smile.

As they walked back together, hand in hand, she knew that everything was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think?  
> Omg! did you guys see the spoiler? So freaking excited for the next episode!!  
> I really hope you liked it. Again I'm sorry for all my mistakes. Thank you so much for reading <3 <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the beautiful comments and kudos <3 You guys are so awesome!!!  
> Here it is, the last chapter xD  
> I hope you like this chapter too <3 <3

****6** **

It was finally decided that they would each have half the valley. It wasn't like they were not allowed in each other's territory, it was just that people wanted to be near the people they trusted. Some were moving back, and some wanted to stay. Almost everyone who was moving back had already left. The rest were going to leave the next morning, including her.

Clarke had found out about Abby's addiction, and it was heartbreaking. Clarke promised Abby that she would help her get over them. Raven prayed for Clarke and Abby, prayed for them to make it through this. Kane still looked sad, he was trying his best not to let Abby see it, but the way Abby crumpled in his arms, and she knew Abby saw it too. Her heart broke for them. But she knew they were going to make it through this.

She wasn't trying to eavesdrop when she heard Bellamy and Echo talking too. Echo was saying something along the lines of we knew things were going to be different on the ground.

Murphy and Emori were bickering, but it was playful. She smiled when she saw them. Her gaze landed on Shaw's empty bed, and her smile dimmed. She was going to miss him. Somewhere along the way, he became an integral part of her life. She liked talking to him. She liked not talking to him. She knew that it didn’t make any sense. What she was trying to say was even sitting in silence with him brought her a calm and peace that she had long forgotten.

He was the only person she wanted to say goodbye to and at the same time he was the only person she never wanted to say goodbye to. What would she say to him? Thank you? That didn't seem enough. Should she tell him how she felt? She didn't know what to do.

"They are calling us for dinner," Emori said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She nodded. Her heart felt heavy, and she didn't know what to do about it.

*

"Bellamy, Kane and Diyoza are still going over the finer points of this deal?" She asked after not seeing them where the dinner was being served.

"Yeah, but they should be done soon," Murphy said picking up a piece of chicken.

She noticed that Echo was silent, she wanted to ask her if she was okay. But she knew when people just wanted to be left alone, so she said nothing.

"Your pilot is coming here." Murphy teased.

Her heart started racing. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to coax it back to its normal pace, but it was worthless.

"Hey," Shaw said lightly.

Murphy nodded. She took another deep breath and turned. The first thing she noticed was that he looked a little nervous.

"What's wrong?" She asked, worried.

He frowned. "Nothing."

"Oh. I thought-"

"Can I talk to you?" He said, nodding towards the house that they had been 'living' at.

"Sure." She really hoped that her voice didn't waver.

*

They didn't say anything the rest of the way back. Their hands accidentally brushed once or twice, and it felt almost electric. She wanted to say so many things to him, ask him so many things. When she looked back at their time together, she realized that she didn't know much about him, only bits and pieces. She wanted to know everything. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad.

She didn't realize that they were inside the room and she was sitting on her bed. He was sitting on the bed in front of her, facing her. Just like the day he was comforting her.

"So you are leaving tomorrow," It wasn’t a question, he sounded...sad. And it broke her heart.

"Yes." She said.

"You must be pretty excited, to live with your friends again." He wasn't looking at her. He was looking at his shoes.

"Yes." Was that the only word she was capable of saying now?

He finally looked up at her, a sad smile on his lips.

"I'm happy for you." He said sincerely.

"Thank you." Why wasn't she saying something more? There was so much to say. So why couldn't she?

This was probably the last time she was going to talk to him, and that just didn't seem right or fair, to either of them. There was something there between them, something new, something unique. Didn't they owe this to themselves to explore it?

"I got you something." He said quietly. He took something out of his pocket. She automatically extended her hand, too surprised to say anything. It was an old key-ring, it looked like a plane. "It was mine before, you know."

Her heart stuttered. This had obviously meant a lot to him otherwise he wouldn't have kept it for so long. She felt her eyes brimming with tears and couldn't help it when they rolled down her face.

He moved and suddenly he was kneeling in front of her. "Hey, don't cry. I didn't mean to- please. I just wanted you to have something to remember me by." He said, his voice gentle. "It's okay if you don't-"

Her fingers closed around the key-ring, and she looked up. "I love it. Thank you. I didn't get you anything."

He shrugged, wiping tears from her cheeks. "It's okay."

"I'm going to miss you." She said finally, using all the courage she had.

His hand reached for hers. He leaned forward so that their foreheads touching. He entwined their fingers. "I'm going to miss you too, Raven."

She realized this was the first time he had said her name, and she felt her chest tighten at the realization that this may be the last time. She couldn’t help the next tear that rolled down her cheek. They sat there in silence, holding each other's hand like- like it was the last time they were going to get to do that. And somehow that thought seemed unbearable. She didn't want this to be the last time they talked or the last time they spent time together or even the last time they touched. It wasn't fair. She wanted to scream in frustration.

"We should go. Your friends must be missing you." He said quietly. His voice seemed thick and hoarse.

She didn't want to. She didn't want this night to end if it meant that she could stay with him like this.

"Just a little longer." She whispered, holding his hand a little tighter. “Just a little while longer.”

*

She didn't know how long they sat like that. It wasn't until she heard voices that she noticed that they weren't alone anymore. He was still kneeling in front of her. His legs must be hurting, and she winced, thinking about him being in pain.

"I'm so sorry." She apologized. "You must be-"

"I'm not." He said soothingly. "Did you eat something?"

She shook her head. She was waiting for Bellamy and Clarke, and then she forgot.

He extended his hand. "Let's go."

*

The fire was still going on in the clearing in front of the houses, but there wasn’t anyone there. It looked like everybody turned in. Shaw went to get them some food. She didn't really feel hungry. So she took a seat in front of the fire. Letting the warmth radiating from the flames chase away the chill night air.

"Here," Shaw said taking a seat beside her and giving her a plate full of fruits. She turned to look at him and noticed that he had only brought one plate.

"What about you?" She asked taking the plate from his hand and placing it beside her.

He shrugged. "I don't really feel like eating."

"Neither do I." She admitted looking away.

Once again, they lapsed into silence. She could feel his eyes on her. Feel the intensity of his gaze. She couldn't help it she turned to look at him. Her breath hitched when she saw the tenderness in his eyes, and something more. Something that made her feel alive. Something that made her shudder even with the heat emanating from the fire.

His hand reached up to caress her cheeks. Her eyes closed involuntarily, her lips parting.

"You're so beautiful." He murmured. "I couldn't believe my eyes when I first saw you."

He sounded even closer, but not close enough. She wanted him to be closer. She opened her eyes and met his gaze, and no words were. Her pulse fluttered wildly as she saw his eyes darken.

His eyes drifted to her lips, and back up to her eyes. "Can I-"

Before he could finish the question, she leaned forward and kissed him. After a brief moment of surprise, he moved closer as he started to kiss her back. He gently tilted her head back, deepening the kiss, making her moan. She felt like she was on fire. She felt like she in the middle of a storm, and yet this was the calmest she had felt in a long time. This is what she had been missing for so long. Him.

They pulled apart slightly to catch their breath.

"I have wanted to do this for a long time." He said smiling lovingly.

And this is when she knew. "Come with us." Her voice barely over a whisper, but confident. "I know everyone will accept-"

And this time before she could finish her sentence, his lips captured hers in a hard kiss.

"I was about to ask you if I could." He said, smiling softly.

She felt the happiness spread from her heart to the tips of her toes. She was happy. Truly happy. She couldn't help herself but kiss him again.

"I guess we have a little more discussion to do." Kane's amused voice came from somewhere behind them.

They broke apart, and looked back to where Kane, Bellamy, Clarke and Diyoza were standing. No one looked shocked. She thought Diyoza was going to protest about them taking their pilot but instead she smiled.

"I guess we do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think? I really hope you liked it. Again I'm sorry for all my mistakes. Thank you so much for reading <3 <3


End file.
